


Marvin at the Catskills: A 3-Part Mini Opera

by publishthewholeofthis



Series: Love Can Tell a Million (Modern) Stories [3]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Camping, Charlotte takes camping seriously, How Do I Tag, Marvin is grumpy, Multi, Trust Mendel he's a scout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-21 23:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13751721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/publishthewholeofthis/pseuds/publishthewholeofthis
Summary: To whom this may concern,If you are reading this you’ve found my dead body lying somewhere in the Catskills. My name is Marvin Steinfeld and this is a short list of people who had a hand in leading me here to die.The Jewish CenterFatherly obligationsMy boyfriend Whizzer Brown- who bribed me with his stupid puppy eyes and sex- don’t judge me! Like you’d have said no, you condescending ass.My son Jason- who constantly makes me feel like the loser dad that I am.Dr. Charlotte Dubois and her wife Cordelia- who apparently know how to camp and therefore should know how to keep people alive.My ex-psychiatrist Mendel Weisenbachfeld and his stupid hat!My ex-wife Trina Weisenbachfeld- who is married to my ex-psychiatrist try to keep up will you?Their stupid dog Thor that I bought for my son as an ‘I’m sorry for being distant lately I am not cheating on your mother with a man’ gift.My job for letting me take a day offCamping for DummiesAnd you know what, let’s just put God on this list too; I feel like He should have warned me about this.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers: I am not Jewish, and I once drove through NYC when I was six and that's all I remember from it so forgive me if this is actual BS.
> 
> This is my first time in this fandom, my first time on this website, and my first time posting anything I've written in about a year so yay lots of firsts here(rip).
> 
> 8/2/18 edit: I've looked at my timeline and decided Marv and Whiz should be engaged at this point.

Marvin likes Fridays. They're nothing like Mondays- no Mondays are made out of bad coffee, headaches, everyone else’s stupidity, and a dash of self-hatred. On the other hand, Fridays are understanding of all the problems the past week caused and finally calm things down. Fridays are slow enough to take a long lunch, to meet up with Whizzer so they can bitch and snicker between bites of food. Fridays send the incompetent idiot coworkers out of the way, too involved in their own weekend plans to bother him about meetings and spreadsheets. Fridays are a promise of a long relaxing few days, possibly sending him home a little early, and as Whizzer argues is the best part: Fridays are paydays.

Marvin still thinks the best part about Fridays is that they always send Jason his way, armed with his two-night bag and gangly legs that are awkwardly trying to grow to match the brain in that kid’s brilliant head. He doesn’t always come home right after school anymore because he started high school this year and was finally making a few friends and doing things and being amazing. And Marvin can't complain about that, allowing his chest to swell happily whenever his son comes home chatting excitedly about a new activity he's doing with his friends.

So, of course, that would be how things start to go wrong for Marvin: with Jason coming home waving around a paper for an activity he's doing with his friends.

It begins innocently enough. Marvin and Whizzer have been curled up on the sofa watching some baseball documentary that's incredibly boring to Marvin, but Whizzer insisted on watching it so he begrudgingly agreed. He can only try to make things more interesting with wandering hands and carefully placed kisses when Jason slams the front door shut and appears in front of the TV with a slightly pained look on his face. “Dad, I need help.”

His voice cracks a little on the vowel a, and normally Marvin would have laughed at it, but today he's on high alert, untangling himself from his fiance in order to sit up straight. _What is he upset about? Are the kids making fun of him? Oh god they are, aren’t they? They all hate him because he has six parents or something awful like that. Stupid kids, I swear. He was doing so well too._ “Sure kid, what happened?” He asks, silently congratulating himself for not sounding as freaked as he's feeling. Jason sighs and plops down next to Whizzer, who's switching off the movie and reaches across him to shove some colorful flyer into his father’s face. “Look at this.”

Marvin furrows his brows. “What am I looking at? It’s too close to my face.” There's another quiet sigh and the paper moves back a few inches, but the words don’t become any more clear as they blur together in multicolored ink. “Right, okay so I think my glasses might be in the kitchen…”

Jason yanks the paper back and stares at him incredulously. “C’mon Dad, get your life together.”

Whizzer practically cackles. “Don’t hold your breath for that one, he’s a certified mess. Let me see it, Jason, I’ll read it to your old man.”

“Just because I need glasses to read doesn’t mean I’m old! I spend hours a day staring at a computer screen so-” Marvin can easily go on for several more minutes, but a quick kiss to the side of his hairline stops him from trying to salvage his pride. Instead, he cuts off his rant with a half-hearted grumble and settles back into the couch to watch how Jason hands Whizzer his flyer and nervously reads it over his shoulder. “Well?” He demands when he notices no one is actually reading it aloud to him. “What is it?”

Whizzer is grinning- so that's a good sign, right? Well maybe not...one time Jason got in trouble for pushing a rude kid off the top of the slide at school and while Marvin and Trina were fighting explaining why that was wrong, Whizzer- who at the time was Marvin’s _friend_ visiting for dinner- conspiringly leaned forward with a smile and boldly stated, “It sounds like he was an ass and he deserved it.” So maybe Whizzer’s reaction is no judge, on the contrary, it's worrying.

“God, relax Marv. It just looks like the Jewish Center’s taking the youth camping in the Catskills next month-Memorial Day weekend.”He hands the flyer back to Jason with a smile. “That sounds awesome! Man, they’re really stepping it up at the JC, huh? They never did stuff like that when I was a kid.” _You wouldn’t know if they did,_ Marvin wants to point out. _You always thought it was more fun to run around town like a devil child and give your mother a heart attack than go to a Jewish Center._

He doesn’t say it though, mostly because his fiance is in an active tangent about how beautiful the mountains are and his observation would fall on deaf ears. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the city,” Whizzer is saying with a dismissive wave of his hand. “But we never had mountains anywhere near where I grew up, you’re really lucky to be going.” He seems to have an epiphany of sorts because he lets out a short gasp and practically bounces in his seat. “Do they need more male sponsors? I’d love to go- or maybe they need a photographer, I could do that too!”

Marvin sighs internally and forces a smile, trying to look like he's very interested in a full three days of hiking, mosquitoes, and sweaty Jewish kids. “Hey kid, don’t forget about me. It sounds great.”

Jason sends him a pointed look from the other side of the couch that clearly states he isn’t fooled before he turns to Whizzer with a slight shake of his head. “Sorry Whizzer, but they said they had more than enough adult supervision, and one of the moms is coming to take pictures. I already know she’s no good compared to you but they’re taking her because she’s kind of a nurse.” Whizzer deflates a little bit. Jason continues with a grimace. “But there’s...ah...another development that needs attention.” He takes a gulping breath and says in a rush: “HeatherLevinisgoingonthetripandIreallyneedtoknowhowtocampandstuffcauseDadkindahatestheoutdoorsandnevertookmeandnowI’mgoingtolooklikeanidiotinfrontofherIcan’taffordthatpleaseIneedhelp.”

Marvin blinks. He has no idea what just happened, but it sounded like the devil just came into his boy. “What?”

Somehow Whizzer understands the jumbled mess because of course he does, and clasps his hands together like a deranged psycho. “Ooh, she is?” Marvin tries again. “Who?”

Jason's ignoring him, choosing instead to nod at Whizzer in desperation with a slight flush on his cheeks. “Yes! And I can’t let her see me all-” He makes a vague gesture to himself and Marvin's finally had it. “Can one of you tell me what the hell is going on?”

In lieu of answering his question, Whizzer spins around and pins him with a serious stare. “Marv, you need to take a few days off ASAP. We’re taking our son to the Catskills.” Marvin instantly warms at the words our son; it seems like not so long ago Jason was just ‘the-son-of-this-closet-case-I’m-sleeping-with’ to Whizzer, and now he's _their son,_  but he's still too confused to bask. Jason bounces once in his seat and practically beams. “Really?” “Why would we do that?” Marvin asks slowly, knowing he sounds like an idiot but not really caring at this point. Really, most of Jason and Whizzer’s conversations consist of rapid-fire talking, half-finished sentences, and wildly flailing arms in weird gestures; how the hell is he supposed to keep up with any of that?

His fiance rolls his eyes at him. “Oh my God, Marvin do you listen to anything anyone else says?” He presses a hand to Jason’s knee. “Jason here is a catch: he’s a good-looking kid, he’s got a head on his shoulders, and he’s sweet and mature which is already putting him ahead of everyone.” Jason ducks his head and whispers either a prayer of an expletive under his breath. “Now we need to teach him how to camp so he won’t embarrass himself in front of Heather. Showcasing always works: I should know, I was the fastest swimmer in my summer camp and I got laid.”

“WHAT?!” The sound that comes out of Marvin’s throat can only be described as a shriek, and Jason looks like he wants to make himself a grave in the floorboards. “Not that Jason wants to get laid,” Whizzer says lightly, stretching himself out against the back of the couch. “What kind of teenage boy wants that?” His obvious sarcasm is not comforting. “Not my teenage boy,” is Marvin’s terse reply, the cookie cutter response every parent gives when they want to desperately cling to the ignorant belief that their child is a little angel and never does anything that those other heathens participate in.

Whizzer singsongs a quiet, “Yeah fucking right,” before turning to Jason. “I’ll get you some condoms, just y’know use them- no babies and no diseases.”

Jason- the poor kid- makes a wounded sound in the back of his throat and covers his scarlet face with a pillow. “Dear God, why did I think this would be less painful with you guys than with Mom and Mendel?”

“Oh you know this would be worse-” Marvin starts to gripe, already picturing how awful Mendel would be at giving The Talk(a million times worse than the one he gave, even if that one included really bad analogies and calling up Charlotte for professional backup), but Whizzer cuts him off. “Ignore your dad, he’s an idiot and I don’t know why I put up with him half the time.” Marvin really wants to throw in a ‘you knew exactly why you put up with me last night’ joke, but his son is just now lifting up his head and grinning and- well he should be a decent parent. There have been enough incidents without adding salt to the wound.

When he's done making smartass comments to himself he notices Whizzer's no longer sitting beside him and is now pacing the room with his wonderfully long legs. “We should bring the lesbians too,” he says. “They are actually way better at camping than I am, and they know a bunch of neat little tricks that are sure to impress.”

 _Ah,_ Marvin rubs his hands together. “Why not take Trina and Mendel too,” he snipes. “It’ll be great, like a tight-knit family trip!”

If Whizzer can be a bit evil at times he must have rubbed off a bit on his once darling son, because without even looking to consult each other their lips spread into identical smirks as they declare, “Now there’s an idea!”

*

Four years ago, things would have gone down very differently. For starters, Marvin would not have agreed to some stupid three day trip to some god-forsaken mountains, electing instead to dig his heels into the ground like a stubborn jackass, leaving his fiance and son with one of exactly two options:

 _Option One-_ Mekely obey orders and cave to his every demand (Trina had always gone with this option)

 _Option Two-_ Sneer at him and continue their plans without him (Whizzer almost always chose this option)

Because Whizzer never gave in to Marvin’s temper tantrums the way his ex-wife had, Option Two would lead to a full-blown fight: yelling, screaming, shoving, maybe throwing things, storming out of the apartment- the works. Thank God for personal growth. Now Marvin's the one with the choices:

 _Option One-_ Lie and say he can’t take off work. They wouldn’t fall for it, but they’d go without him. Jason would be disappointed. So would Whizzer.

 _Option Two-_ Compromise. Go on the stupid trip. He just might die, but Whizzer and Jason would be happy and dammit, what else mattered?

So that's how Marvin finds himself packing up the car two weeks later, grumbling slightly about the sheer amount of _things_ Whizzer insists they have to bring. For claiming he knows far more about camping than he, the younger man has been doing the exact opposite of what Marvin’s weeklong companion, _Camping for Dummies,_ suggests. Instead of packing the barest of necessities he shoved what seemed to be 20 percent of his belongings into several duffle bags and sent Marvin to figure out how to squeeze in not only their stuff but their neighbors’ stuff into the car. He sighs and reminds himself _I am still in love with Whizzer Brown even though he is an extra little shit._ He bends over to lift a bag, nearly falling forward from the sheer weight of it. “Jesus Christ!”

“I thought you were Jewish,” a laughing voice behind him quips as he struggles to precariously lean the duffle against the side of the car. Marvin turns to glare at Charlotte, sending her a ‘stop-shitting-me-and-help-before-I-break-my-back’ kind of nod. She both understands and obliges, bless her, wrangling the bag into the car in a way that somewhat hurts his pride. Still, she huffs slightly and exclaims, “Damn, what is your boy trying to bring, a dead body?”

Before Marvin can think to tell her not to she's digging through it, clicking her tongue in disappointment as she pulls out what looks to be a giant battery-powered hairdryer. “Oh hell no, what is this? He did not just try to sneak a hairdryer into the fucking mountains. The bears won’t care if he has fluffy hair or not when they go to eat him.”

Marvin feels the blood drain from his face. “Bears?”

It's not something to brag about when Charlotte gives him the You’re an Idiot Glare; her face always goes completely blank aside from the little frown on her lips, the rise of dark eyebrows, and a look in her eyes that seems to say he's let her down...again. “It’s called Bear Springs Mountain,” she deadpans. “In my defense, I thought that was completely figurative.” She looks like she's about to lecture him, but luckily- or unluckily- she can only get out a very serious, “Marvin-”

“Charlotte!” Whizzer shouts, slamming the door of the apartment complex. “Put my fucking hairdryer back!” The doctor scoffs, dangled the device in the air and very maturely states, “Why don’t you make me, pretty boy?”

The next 30 seconds happen very fast: Whizzer practically valutes over the railing in front of the apartment, Charlotte settles into a tackling pose, and next thing he knows they're playing a very aggressive game of keep away on the side of the street, wrestling and throwing insults at each other like they're a couple of kids instead of two grown ass adults with jobs- professional jobs- and a kid of their own by extension. Trying to stop them would be futile; Marvin knows it won't last long anyway, so he wanders to the side of the car to help Cordelia, who followed Whizzer outside, put her last things into the car. “You know,” she says with a snort. “I want Charlotte to win for obvious reasons, but at the same time Whiz promised I could use it if he got away with bringing it.”

The Great 2 Minute Brown-Dubois War ends in a truce, with Charlotte discovering the rest of that particular duffle bag is filled with unnecessary comfort items and berating him on teaching Jason the authenticity of camping and not corrupting his young impressionable mind with glamping- whatever the hell that is. Whizzer pouts and Charlotte begrudgingly allows him one thing from the bag. He chooses the hairdryer of course and sends Marvin to lug the rest of his garbage back to their apartment and almost throw out his back in doing so.

Whizzer Brown is extremely lucky to have a man like him; Marvin sure as hell wouldn’t slave around for anyone else, and a past version of himself wouldn’t have slaved for him either. But...well they've been through a lot in the past few years, Marvin's learned to not be a controlling asshole all the time, he nearly lost Whizzer twice during that period...and if Marvin spoils him a little as a result who the fuck is going to try and blame him?

He shakes himself out of his thoughts and trudges back outside. Jason and the Weisenbachfelds are here now: Trina is helping Cordelia, Mendel- who is wearing a ridiculous sky blue cap that makes his curly hair fluff out on the sides like a clown- is throwing the bags that won’t fit in Marvin’s car into the storage box atop their van, and Jason is chatting with Whizzer and Charlotte, arms straining as he tries to keep their crazy dog Thor somewhat under control.

“Aw no, you brought the mutt?” Marvin gripes half-heartedly, hugging his son before stationing himself behind Whizzer so he can wrap his arms around his waist. Trina jerks her head up to glare at him. “You’re the one who bought the dog in the first place, Marvin,” she reminds him too sweetly.

Marvin returns the glare and tightens his grip on Whizzer to keep himself from shooting a passive-aggressive response back at her. He knows she's purposely bringing it up to remind him the puppy had been a little guilt-gift he got for Jason during his days of avoiding the house for as long as possible and sneaking around with Whizzer. Ironically, Thor had been picked out by Whizzer, who to this day is the only one who really likes the beast.

Mendel pops out from behind the van to put a hand on Trina’s hip. “Heh...well considering Whizzer usually dog-sits we really had no choice but to bring him,” he explains, reaching over to fix his hat- his hat that actually says ‘Trust Me I’m a Scout’ in big silver block letters. _Give me a break._

“Okay,” Charlotte claps her hands as if she knows that if Marvin stares at that hat for one more second he's going to say something. “Are we ready to go? We have a long drive up and we need to set up tents before the sun goes down.” Whizzer steps out of Marvin’s arms and taps a finger against the side of the tripod that seems to have appeared out of nowhere. “Not so fast; it’s picture time.”

Marvin gestures around him sarcastically. “We are literally still at our apartment.” His boyfriend glares at him and points to where he wanted him to stand. Marvin shuts up and dutifully listens.

“It’ll be real quick I promise!” Whizzer grins from behind his camera. “Okay, everyone get closer together. Short people- yes I mean you Marv, Char and Mendel up front. Delia, switch places with Jason. Trina, move to the middle- I’ll come in next you and- there! Don’t move!” He fiddles with his camera for a second before scurrying behind Marvin and throwing his arms around his neck.

“Everyone smile!” He orders cheerfully. And maybe Marvin’s grin is less forced than he'd thought it would be. _Maybe,_ he thinks to himself, _this won’t be an actual disaster._

*

He was wrong.

*

About ten minutes after arriving at the campground he already has a letter tucked into the pocket of his sweater. It reads:

_To whom this may concern,_

_If you are reading this you’ve found my dead body lying somewhere in the Catskills. My name is Marvin Steinfeld and this is a short list of people who had a hand in leading me here to die._

_The Jewish Center_

_Fatherly obligations_

_My fiance Whizzer Brown- who bribed me with his stupid puppy eyes and sex- don’t judge me! Like you’d have said no, you condescending ass._

_My son Jason- who constantly makes me feel like the loser dad that I am._

_Dr. Charlotte Dubois and her wife Cordelia- who apparently know how to camp and therefore should know how to keep people alive._

_My ex-psychiatrist Mendel Weisenbachfeld and his stupid hat!_

_My ex-wife Trina Weisenbachfeld- who is married to my ex-psychiatrist try to keep up will you?_

_Their stupid dog Thor that I bought for my son as an ‘I’m sorry for being distant lately I am not cheating on your mother with a man’ gift._

_My job for letting me take a day off._

Camping for Dummies

_And you know what, let’s just put God on this list too; I feel like He should have warned me about this._


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin might actually die in the woods and Whizzer makes awful choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, you guys! You're kudos and comments have given me life- and a bruised finger when I celebrated too hard and whacked my hand against my phone, but it was worth the pain! :3

“That’s not an official hat!” Marvin demands, throwing his arms into the air and nearly sending the tent pole in his hand flying. “You bought it online as soon as we told you we were going camping and don’t even try to deny it!”

Mendel grins at him from his half-made tent. (Marvin's been trying to sneak glances at how the psychiatrist's doing it, but his tent doesn't look like that at all...maybe he just has a different model?) “Okay, that part might be true, but I was totally a scout.”

“Lies. They’re all lies.”

Mendel takes a step away from his tent and sticks his right hand up in the boy scout salute. “On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; to help other people at all times; to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.”

“Oh my God, that doesn’t prove anything! You could have learned that on the ride up here,” Marvin points out stubbornly.

“So do you want to see my merits or something?”

“Maybe, yeah. Or maybe I just want to see you do one thing that might be considered ‘morally straight.’”

Mendel rolls his eyes and watches Marvin for a second. “You’re not doing that right.”

One of the poles suddenly snap, and if Marvin hadn’t tripped over his own foot trying to get away he would’ve been hit in the nose. “Well, how would you do it, Dr. Boy Scout?” He asks, rubbing the back of his reddening neck and trying to ignore the pain in his backside. He knows he's being a dick, but Mendel and his stupid hat have been putting him off for hours. The man in question just turns his back on him, flicking a hand to where Charlotte's demonstrating for Jason, who seems to be getting it a lot better than his father is.

“Beginner classes are over there.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Right back at you, Marvin.”

“Oh babe, what are you doing?” Whizzer suddenly waltzes up and shoves his camera in his face, snickering to himself as he takes a picture.

Marvin shoots a glare up at him. “You know, a nice fiance would help me up, make sure I was okay, and- oh I don’t know- help out a little bit?” Whizzer smirks. “Good thing you aren’t marrying me for my niceness.” Still, he loops his camera around his neck and reaches out a hand, pulling him to his feet.

“You,” Marvin starts, poking him in the center of his chest. “You better stop mocking me; you’re sleeping here.”

“Ha, not if you don’t fix that. I’ll bunk with Jason; his tent looks like it’s in better shape.” Marvin huffs loudly. Whizzer just giggles and takes another picture of his scowling face. “Sorry, I’m busy.”

In the end, Jason is the one who helps him, repeating Charlotte’s careful instructions as they tear down the lopsided monstrosity and pitch it the right way. “It’s not that hard,” Jason explains easily as they finish up.

“If you say so kid, but this thing tried to kill me.”

His son snorts. “You’ve really never camped before, huh?” He asks, digging the last stake into the ground.

“Hey, I never said that!” Marvin can’t help but grin in spite of himself, reaching over to ruffle Jason’s shaggy hair. “But I guess I am giving myself away a little bit.”

Jason makes a protesting sound and tries to fix his hair before he announces he's going to take Thor on a walk before the restless mutt tears down a tent out of sheer boredom, leaving Marvin with his two-night home and a man who's finally decided to be helpful and bring their things from the car. “You are a pain in the ass,” Marvin tells him as he ducks into the tent after him, kicking off his shoes to avoid tracking dirt inside. “You could have helped out a little bit.”

Whizzer rolls his eyes as he spreads out their sleeping bags. “Oh come on Marv. You really think I know how to pitch a tent? All I do is convince some guy to make it for me.” The gleam in his dark brown eyes and the corny winking make it clear that he's trying to get Marvin to crack, but it isn’t working; he just turns his back to grumpily throw out various blankets and pillows. “Besides,” Whizzer tries again, this time intentionally lowering his voice and crawling up behind him. “You looked really hot; all frustrated and manly and shit.”

This makes Marvin snicker as he turns around to kiss him. “Yeah, I’m sure I looked hot falling on my ass like an idiot.” Whizzer hums his agreement, pressing teasing little pecks to his lover’s lips until Marvin leans forward to deepen it. “But if there’s one thing you can count on me being,” he adds as he trails open-mouthed kisses down towards his neck, “It’s being frusta- ew what the fuck?” Marvin leaps back and aggressively wipes at his tongue with his sleeve, staring up at him with shock and a little bit of betrayal.

Whizzer just blinks at him innocently. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Marvin sputters, spinning around the tent trying to find his misplaced water bottle. “No, the real question is why do you taste like that?” His tongue is sticking out during the entire episode, because he knows for a fact that it would be worse inside his mouth, as he finally locates the bottle under a pillow, yanking the cap off and nearly drowning himself in attempt to get rid of the burning sensation gracing his taste buds. Whizzer, the evil fucker, looks like he's never been more amused in his life, laughing so hard his shoulders shake. “It’s the bug spray,” he explains eventually in between giggles.

“Bleah, why would they make bug spray taste like shit?”

“Well maybe because you’re not supposed to taste it, dumbass.”

Marvin pouts and flops backward onto their makeshift bed, cringing as he realizes too late that it isn’t very comfortable two inches above the ground. Sticking out his lower lip, he makes a grabby-hands motion to his fiance, who willingly complies and pleasantly settles in between his legs. He cradles his head on a hand, the other one tracing patterns on Marvin’s chest. “Well?” He asks with a teasing grin. “It’s not so bad up here, now is it?” Marvin just grunts noncommittally, reaching a hand up to thread through Whizzer’s soft hair. “The bed is hard,” he points out.

Whizzer hums in acknowledgment and leans into his hand. “Yeah, well we would have had an air mattress, but it was in that bag Charlotte made me leave back home.”

“The one she let you choose one thing out of?”

“Mhm.”

Marvin’s hand stills. “There was a mattress in there?”

“I already told you that, Marv.”

“And you chose a hairdryer?”

Whizzer stares down at him incredulously, mouth gaping open before he sputtered, “Yes! You know how serious I am about my hair.”

“There’s no one here!” Marvin flings himself upward, nearly knocking their heads together. “We’re balls deep in the woods, no one is here other than people who look like they’re apart of that show  _Alone_ and us. And you know, we don’t need your hair to be perfect all the time,” his voice grows softer, more tender. “We’ve stayed with you through a lot worse. And you were still pretty.”

There's an unreadable look on Whizzer’s face. “Aw Marvin,” he finally coos. “You’re a sap.”

“You’re supposed to say something along the lines of ‘that’s sweet babe, I love you.’”

“Saaaap.”

Marvin shoves him a little, determined to continue his plan even if Whizzer isn’t playing along. “You know what won’t be sweet though? The fact that we won’t be able to have sex for a week because this trip screwed up my back.” Whizzer looks absolutely horrified. _Serves him right._

*

Mendel has an air mattress. Mendel fucking “I can camp in the snow and tie cool knots” Weisenbachfeld is sitting in his tent making noise with his battery-powered pump like some amateur. “Am I the only one calling bullshit on this?” Marvin shouts, marching outside the moment he hears it go off.

Jason, who is perched in between the lesbians learning how to build a fire, doesn’t even look up as he chastises, “Dad, language.” He turns to Cordelia to ask her a question about the firewood and she answers, watching him rearrange the logs. She isn’t sparing a glance to Marvin either, but he can see her lips are curved in amusement.

“Okay, so riddle me this, Charlotte!” He continues even though he's being all but ignored, slipping into a green fold-out chair across from her. “Mendel can bring an air mattress, but when Whiz and I try to bring one it’s considered ‘gamping?’”

Charlotte jerks her head up so suddenly it's a wonder she didn't get a whiplash, and Cordelia loudly snorts. “Did you just call it gamping?” She asks, using a hand to cover up her giggles.

“I don’t know why you’re laughing at me, that’s what your wife called it.”

The woman in question shakes her head at him, giving him that look again. “I said glamping, you dummy. As in camping, but with glamor. As in trying to make your camping experience unnecessarily comfortable.”

“I get it, but how is Mendel getting away with it?”

“It’s for Mom; she gets really bad neck pain when she sleeps wrong,” Jason mumbles, the implied ‘you should know this’ ringing loud and clear.

“Besides,” Charlotte continues matter-of-factly. “You are a pathetic camping virgin. You don’t deserve a mattress.”

*

Trina wants to check out the beach, which in Marvin’s opinion is a terrible idea- as most of her ideas are. For starters, there's nothing exciting about a lake and some sand. Sure it looks nice, but it's impractical. Beaches are a people magnet, and they're always so overcrowded it's more stifling than enjoyable. Not to mention the water, which contains suspicious warm spots and fish that nibble at toes. Even if beaches were a fun or tolerable thing, what crazy person would want to splash around in 50-degree weather? _Not me._

He never thought it would come to this, but he is grateful for Thor, who isn’t allowed on the beach and can’t stay at camp alone. “We could just leave him in the car,” Mendel's suggesting, “he should be fine for a little bit if we crack the windows.”

“No!” Marvin nearly shouts. Everyone stares at him in confusion. “I mean, actually think about this, Mendel,” he explains, “that dog has serious hyperactive problems and you think he’ll be okay sitting in the car for hours? I’ll just stay here with him.” They shrug, probably secretly happy to be getting rid of him for a few hours. Whizzer(who's acting as though playing nice now will somehow miraculously save Marvin’s back for future activities) half-heartedly offers to stay with him, but Marvin insists that he’ll be fine and his boyfriend should have fun without him.

“Well,” he asks the dog after everyone drives off. “What do you want to do?” Thor wags his tail and presses his nose against Marvin’s knee. He huffs, offers the animal a begrudging pat on the head, and sinks lower in his seat.

The rest of the afternoon consists of Marvin trying to read a book he wisely thought to bring along while Thor patters around the campsite sniffing at random things until someone tries to walk by. Then all hell breaks loose for a few minutes: the dog aggressively starts barking and pulling on his leash, and Marvin has to scramble to feebly pull him back while apologizing for ruining the peace. “He’s not my dog, I’m so sorry.” Then Thor calms down and sits at his feet, wagging his tail and looking for scratches as if he's just done something that deserves scratches. _I’m weak,_ Marvin tells himself every time he gives in and pets the dog.

“I should have gotten Jason a fish.” Thor must take the comment personally because he leans forward and starts gnawing on Marvin’s boots. “Agh! Cut it out! Jesus, it was a joke! Fucking hell!”

*

 _Thor is a terrible dog,_ Marvin knows that much. _If he were mine I’d get rid of him first chance I had...or maybe not, Whizzer likes dogs. But they don’t; Trina and Mendel are both cat people. What’s stopping them? Jason can’t be that attached to the mutt, can he?_

Marvin's currently glaring at Thor from the other side of the fire, but the dog doesn’t notice; he's far too busy staring directly at Cordelia. “Trina, he’s not stopping!” She whines.

Trina tries calling him over in vain. “He wants you food.”

Cordelia gasps and tries to shoo him away. “No! Go away doggie! You have your own food!” Thor turns his head slightly in the direction of her hand, only to notice it doesn’t contain food for him, and look back at her almost accusingly. There's a brief staring match between dog and woman before the beast barks and Delia jumps so violently she nearly drops her burger. “Did you see that! He’s threatening me!”

“Ignore him,” Jason tries, tugging on his red collar with no success; the crazy mutt apparently has it in his head that he can bully the woman into giving away her dinner.

 _Like I said, should have gotten the kid a fish._ Marvin huddles as close to Whizzer as their individual chairs will allow, wishing they had a double chair like the lesbians. It's even colder now that it's darsk, and although the fire is a big help his teeth are still chattering.

“Thor’s a beggar,” Mendel states apologetically with his mouth full of food- which is disgusting. “We caught him stealing from the table one time.”

Trina groans. “Ugh, don’t even get me started on that! We keep him outside when he eat now, and even then he stares at us through the window.”

Whizzer clicks his tongue once and Thor jerks his head away from Cordelia, trots up to him excitedly and sniffs at his hand. “Hey bud.” He gives the dog a scratch behind the ear and- ignoring everyone who immediately starts screaming- rips off a portion of his burger and feeds it to him.

“You enabler!” Cordelia accuses. “You just awarded him for harassing me!”

“Oh come on, I felt bad for him.”

“Nope,” Marvin shakes his head. “We’re not taking him, whoever was about to suggest that can shut their face right now.”

After they finish eating, Charlotte suggests they take a night hike, which sounds really foreboding to Marvin. “Calm your tits. It won’t be long; we’ll take you up to that stargazing spot Delia and I go to.”

“Ooh yay!” Cordelia agrees, wrapping her arms around her wife happily. “It’s so pretty over there; not a lot of people know about it either so it’s very quiet and romantic.”

“Great,” Jason deadpans. “Because who doesn’t like seventh-wheeling every parental figure in their life?”

Ignoring Marvin’s nervousness and his son’s unenthusiasm, the group puts out the fire and grabs their coats, flicking on their flashlights as they follow behind the lesbians. They're all chatting quietly amongst themselves, but Marvin isn’t really in the mood for talking; choosing instead to cast worried glances at the woods surrounding them. Everything looks different in the night; tall angry trees covered them on both sides, blocking out the moon’s light. It's impossible to see if anything's out there, and it's so quiet it seems as though something would come crashing toward them at any moment. He gulps and feels a small shudder run down his back as he remembers Charlotte’s bear warning. _I really hope we don’t run into one,_ he thinks.

Burrowing himself deeper into the comforting warmth of his coat, Marvin turns back toward the group. His hand sneaks out of the safety of his pocket and catches Whizzer’s, lacing his cold fingers in his gloved ones. Whizzer squeezes immediately, not skipping a beat in the conversation he's having with Jason.

“Ah-ha! Here it is!” Cordelia announces as they reach a small clearing. She pulls a large picnic blanket out from underneath her jacket and carefully lays it on the ground as she urges them to lie down. So they do, rolling onto their backs and blinking up at the night sky.

“Woah.” Marvin can't help but gape in awe, staring up at the sea of stars in the sky, twinking in an explosion of constellations that can’t be seen in the city.

“You don’t see this back home,” Whizzer breathes, echoing his thoughts. “Hey Jason.”

“Yeah Whizzer?”

“When you go camping with the JC make sure to take your girl to a place like this. Maybe find a shooting star; like a teen romance cliche.” He snickers. “Or if she thinks that’s too cheesy just make out with her.”

Tina coughs. “Whizzer Brown, stop corrupting my child!”

“Look,” Mendel wisely diverts before Whizzer has the opportunity to get worse, pointing to a particularly bright star above them. “That’s Jupiter. And over there-” he drags his hand downward, “-is the constellation Hydra.”

“The sea serpent,” Cordelia pipes up. “Like the monster Hercules fought in Greek mythology.”

The two of them are actually quite well-versed in different constellations, stars, and their stories, keeping everyone enraptured by their narrative of the sky. Marvin glances around the group with a fond smile on his face. Mendel's resting his head on the hand he isn’t pointing with, Trina contentedly propping her own head on his arm. Jason is nearby using a slightly willing Thor as a fluffy pillow. Next to him is Charlotte and Cordelia, curled up so close together it's hard to tell when one of them stops and the other one begins. And beside him is Whizzer, staring up at the sky with an endearing look of wonder on his pretty face, still tightly gripping his hand. He looks good in this light, granted he looks good in every light, but the starry glow makes him look soft and young. 

“You’re supposed to be watching the stars, Marv.” Whizzer doesn’t even glance at him when he speaks, squeezing his hand teasingly.

Marvin lets out a low chuckle. “Baby, I’d rather watch you.”

Charlotte kicks out at him, nicking him in the arm. “Gross. Take your sappy love somewhere else.”

“Exactly what I’m trying to tell him, Char.”

Marvin rolls his eyes. “That is the actual definition of the pot calling the kettle black.” He scoots closer to Whizzer and presses his cold nose into his neck, feeling genuinely happy for the first time on this god-forsaken trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of making this a part of a series featuring similar slice-of-life stuff, what do y'all think?


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin's pretty sure this was what death feels like. Granted, he's never actually died before but there can only be so many things that are as bad as how he feels at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So funny story:  
> I'm actually in between houses at the moment, so I currently live in an RV and it's a little like camping full-time, which is great except I am like Marvin: I suck at this thing.  
> So I was home alone and I went outside for what I thought would be a minute but when I tried to go back inside I realized I locked myself out. For three and a half hours. And my phone was inside.  
> Anyway, enjoy the final installment of Marvin at the Catskills: a 3 Part Mini-Opera

When Marvin wakes up he knows without even opening his eyes that it's too early. He screws them tighter, desperately trying to chase after those last remnants of sleep but the birds are already chirping their lungs out right outside, the tent brings in too much light, and Whizzer's already gone he realizes after experimentally feeling around his empty side of the bed. He isn’t sure where he ran off to, but going back to sleep is out of the question without a big-haired, smart-ass fiance to hold on to- so what if Whizzer was right about his sappiness?

Marvin sighs tiredly and stiffly rolls onto his back, staring up at the tent ceiling. By some small miracle Whizzer thought enough to tuck him into all the blankets before he vanished, so at least he isn’t freezing, but he knows the moment he gets up he'll be embraced by the chilled fingers of death.

He can hear the cracking of the fire outside, which is just barely incentive enough to give his unwilling body a pep talk: _Alright Marvin. Just fling off the blankets, make a run for your coat, throw on an extra pair of pants even though they’ll bunch in weird places and Whiz will complain, shove your feet into some shoes and mad dash outside. Simple enough. One- two- three!_

Except, it isn’t simple enough; Marvin's the exact opposite of a morning person, and his exhausted and slightly numb body doesn’t know how to fling or mad dash so he ends up stumbling around the tent before crashing outside and collapsing in the nearest chair with a loud grumble.

“Good morning, sunshine!” The cheery voice makes his head hurt. _How the hell did I put up with this every morning?_

“Stop,” he mumbles, closing his eyes as he curls into the back of the chair. “Morning people are fucking freaks.” Something cold taps the top of his head and when he looks up to glare at it he notices it's a bottle Trina's holding out for him. “Oh. Thanks.” He reaches up to take it, thumbing across the Starbucks label as he eagerly opens it.

Trina nods and returns to what she's cooking over the small camp stove. “I know you like your coffee hot and black, but we’ve got to make due out here.”

Marvin just hums and tips the bottle back. It's too light and sugary but if he can drink a couple more he might end up semi-functional. “You’re a saint.”

“Hardly,” she scoffs without looking at him. “It was Whizzer who told me to bring some; reminded me how cranky you are in the morning.”

Marvin gets up to fish another coffee out of the cooler, opening it as he leans against the wooden table. “He’s too good to me,” he says wistfully. Then, finally noticing how empty the camp was, he asks, “So where is everybody?”

“Mendel took the dog for a walk and the others went to experience those lovely showers.”

Marvin shudders, remembering the nightmare he and Mendel stumbled across the night before. “Right. Lovely my ass. I felt like I was going to get murdered in there, I’m sure your husband told you about the one working stall and the giant spider in the shower.”

“Oh yeah he did,” Trina agrees, grabbing a paper plate and scooping some eggs onto it. “But you didn’t hear about the ladies room: no toilet paper in any of them, a lump of hair clogging the drain, and get this- a used pad on the shower bench.” Marvin gags. “Exactly.”

She holds out the plate. “Breakfast?”

“Sure…” He takes it gratefully and sits down. He usually eats his eggs with a generous amount of ketchup, but after hearing about a dirty pad any red liquid is absolutely revolting, so he’ll shovel them down dry. Trina’s knowing smile says she knows what was up as she makes her own plate and sits down across from him.

“You know,” she says thoughtfully, her tone causing Marvin to glance up at her between bites, “I used to be mad that you’d never take the time off work to do things like this; something fun with the family to take our minds off how mundane and constricting our lives were, but I’m glad we’re doing it now instead. We’re actually happy, we both have men who love us, and oh my god can you imagine how awful it would have been going on vacation while we were still married?”

“I can see it now: you and Jason standing over my dead body and swearing not to tell.” Marvin points his third frappuccino at her. “I’m glad you’re happy Trina. You deserve it.”

She smiles. “Hell yeah, I do.”

The conversation over, they both retreat to their own thoughts until everyone else returns from the bathrooms, Whizzer offering a very hesitant, “Morning Marvin,” before subtly glancing at Trina and mouthing, “How much coffee has he had?”

She responds with a thumbs up to signal an all clear, and that's when he relaxes and bounds up to Marvin to land a giant smooch to his cheek, exaggerating the “mwah” sound. _He obviously wants something._ “Good morning Whiz,” he answers pleasantly. “What do you want?” He pouts and flops into the chair next to him. “Nothing. Just wanted to say I love you.”

“Mhm. I love you too.”

“Also, on an unrelated note,” Whizzer holds out a small hand-held mirror. “Could you hold this up for me while I fix my hair? Please? I could not spend another second in that bathroom.” _And there it is._

“Yeah, of course, baby.”

*

Marvin's pretty sure this was what death feels like. Granted, he's never actually died before but there can only be so many things that are as bad as how he feels at the moment. It's hard to breathe, which Mendel claims is perfectly normal at this elevation, and apparently, it's supposed to be hard to gasp for air when said air is thinner than Cordelia’s chicken soup. That's very inconvenient for people like himself; who are physically incapable of hiking uphill at a decent and consistent speed.

Not only that, but he's in pain- everywhere. He assumed his legs would be screaming in protest after five minutes, but he did not sign on for pain in his hips, his back, his ribs, his arms, and practically everywhere else.

The rest of the family is having the time of their lives; the lesbians have even disappeared after Charlotte dubbed Marvin as _too fucking slow,_ but he can’t do it. He can’t carry a conversation without feeling like a fish out of water, nor can he admire the wilderness around him as he's far too busy focusing on survival. Every step is a struggle and he can feel himself slipping further and further from the pack. In a case of Survival of the Fittest he would be the first to get picked off without question.

Then Jason, tired of his father’s whines a hundred feet behind him, gives him Thor’s leash and soon he's being pulled along with no opportunity to stop or slow down. If he happened to collapse Thor would probably just continue dragging his unconscious body along the forest floor.

Even with the extra pull, he can’t manage to catch up with the others; who are far more active than him. Charlotte’s job, unlike his own, keeps her on her feet all day, and she regularly works out with Cordelia, who's obsessed with yoga and even occasionally joins Whizzer at the gym for racquetball when he wants to play an actual game that might be a little challenging. Trina and Mendel take daily jogs together in the morning before work. Whizzer, of course, is fit, hot, and athletic, and even Jason, cursed with Marvin’s uncoordinated blood, is pretty well off thanks to gym class and baseball.

It's a humbling and horrifying experience being the only out of shape person in the group...but if he has to be stuck behind everyone at least it gives him a great view of Whizzer’s ass- which kind of makes the painful journey worth it, his fiance does have a nice butt. And by nice he means amazing and perfect, great for looking and even better for touching when it isn’t so fucking far away. _Maybe I can-_

“Ah, shit!”

His lustful thoughts are cut off when Thor suddenly veers right, catching his feet in the process and landing him in a heap of tangled limbs. The company comes to a halt at the sound of his screaming, casting unimpressed looks at him from over their shoulders. “And he’s down,” Mendel stage-whispers. Marvin shifts to his back and shoots angry looks at Thor when he innocently sniffs at him before trotting over to Trina.

“Well,” she says eagerly, scooping up the leash. “We’re going to try to catch up to the girls; the three of you will be alright?”

“Yeah sure,” Marvin quips from the ground. “Go, abandon me to die. At least I still have my loving son and my doting lover so I won’t be alone.”

Trina mumbles something along the lines of, “Oh my God, he’s such a drama queen,” before she power walks uphill with Mendel in tow.

“Dad?” Jason questions as he and Whizzer shuffle closer. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Marv. You’re not moving.” Marvin rolls his eyes and flicks his sweaty hair out of his eyes. He notices his ankle hurts a little, but he's sure it's nothing to worry about. “Yeah yeah I’m good just...whew...let me catch my breath for a minute.” Whizzer laughs at him and teasingly pokes at his ribs with his foot. “Stop Whiz, you’re kicking me while I’m down- literally.” He huffs. “Here’s an idea: next time we do something I’m actually good at.”

Jason scoffs, crossing his arms incredulously. “So are we joining a book club or something?”

“It might be a chess club actually,” Whizzer adds with a smirk.

“Maybe it’ll be acting like we’re smarter than everyone else.”

“Or complaining about everything, holy shit.”

“Or ignoring good advice.”

“Ohh,” Whizzer snaps his fingers. “You know what he is good at? Kissing. I personally wouldn’t mind that one.”

Jason stares. “Ew.”

“True story,” he replies with an unapologetic shrug.

“How about,” Marvin starts snarkily, “Less making fun of me and more helping me off the damn ground?”

“He gets really bossy, but he can be persuading,” Whizzer continues, sticking out a hand.

Jason follows suit. “You know I know what you’re referring to but I’m going to act like it went right over my head; ignorance is a bliss so I’ve heard.”

Marvin grabs both hands and allows them to pull him up, only to nearly go back down with a yelp after putting pressure on his ankle. “Marvin? What hurts?” Whizzer asks, suddenly very serious as he tightens his grip on his arm. Marvin tries his ankle again and hisses in pain, clutching at Whizzer to keep himself steady.

“I think my ankle might be sprained or something.”

Jason takes a deep breath through his nose. “Geez Dad. How bad is it?”

“I should be okay, Charlotte brought ice packs so we’ll just rest it up back at camp.”

“Please don’t say I have to carry you,” Whizzer pleads, already back to his normal jokes. _Asshole._

Marvin scoffs at him. “No, of course you don’t honey, thanks for the offer. I’ll just limp down the trail and hope I don’t break my neck.”

“Oh come on don’t be like that; c’mere I’ll let you lean on me.”

In spite of himself, Marvin manages to get his hand on the swell of Whizzer’s ass right before he loops his arm around his neck. “At least this is closer now.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

The walk down is so much easier, even with the awkward hobbling in the beginning. He soon discovers that his ankle hasn’t been sprained after all, and after thirty minutes he's well enough to walk on his own. They keep their pace leisure this time, taking the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company. Marvin's holding Whizzer’s hand, slightly favoring his right foot as he tries to get Jason to talk more about Heather. That kid is stubborn though.

“I refuse to have this conversation, Dad,” he says firmly. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’re really bad at girl talk. And before you try this cheap excuse it’s not because you’re gay; Whizzer talks to me all the time and sounds perfectly normal.”

“I really don’t think the experience was so traumatic that you can’t speak to me about your crushes ever again.”

Jason gives him a look. “Yes, it was.”

“Well,” Marvin tries again. “That’s just because I was dru- having a bad day.”

“And because you suck at it,” Whizzer throws in.

“I hate both of you and I hate this conversation. I have to piss.”

“Classic Marvin move right here: express hatred and try to change the subject.”

Marvin glares. “No, I’m serious I really have to take a piss.”

Jason stops walking and makes a wide gesture around the area. “Pick a tree- any tree.”

Marvin stares. “Seriously?”

“Do you see anywhere else?” Whizzer deadpans.

“What if someone comes up the trail?”

“Go _behind_ the tree.”

“We’ll keep an eye out for you, Dad.”

Exposing his dick and peeing on the side of some obscure trail in the Catskills is not Marvin’s idea of a fun time, but he can’t hold it any longer and he's quickly learning that camping isn’t supposed to be fun. It's about reaching camping nirvana: complete oneness with nature. Which obviously can’t be fun, otherwise more people would make like Henry Thoreau and live in the wilderness in cabins they've made by hand. And since Thoreau never had a toilet and therefore did his business behind trees, Marvin is to do the same.

He casts one last rueful glance at his family, who heartlessly gesture for him to go already, and drags his feet to the edge of the trail. He's careful not to step in any green plants that may or may not be poison ivy(Mendel tried to explain what it looked like, but he was stupidly trying to be petty and didn’t listen) as he makes his way to a tree. _God I really have to go…_

He is about midpiss when Whizzer starts hissing his name. “What?”

“Hurry up! There’s an elderly couple coming up the trail!”

Marvin’s blood runs cold. “Shit shit shit.” He forces himself to finish as quickly as possible, tucking himself back into his pants and running back to the trail to look as inconspicuous as possible. “Heh that was close, I can’t believe I almost got caught- why are you both looking at me like that? Where’s the couple?”

*

“Now this,” Charlotte says decidedly, “is the best part about camping hands down.”

“I feel like you’ve said that about twenty times today,” Marvin argues, scratching at the skin in between his boot and the hem of his jeans. “Horror movie bathrooms: that’s the reason I camp. Bug spray tastes like actual shit: sign me the fuck up!”

Charlotte glares at him. “I don’t know what crawled up your butt, but I’m talking about s’mores.”

“Um...quick question, why exactly did you taste the bug spray to begin with?” Mendel asks as he passed out the marshmallow sticks.

“You see, Mendel, I just decided to spray a bunch in my mouth.”

Now Trina the one glaring. “Don’t belittle him, you’re the one who miraculously knows what bug spray tastes like.”

“Whatever,” Marvin scratches his legs again. “I’m just saying it would have been nice if Michael Hodgson, the guy who wrote _Camping for Dummies_ , had thrown in a footnote saying ‘I get that with all the wonderful technology at our fingertips scientists have been able to create a formula for odorless bug spray but the stuff was still made to taste gross so you don’t get bitten. So for your own safety don’t neck your man in the woods, okay?'”

“Well, I can see why that book is for dummies,” Charlotte says, causing everyone to laugh as they stick their kosher marshmallows into the fire.

“Oh crap! It caught on fire!” Jason shouts, jerking it out so he could blow it out.

“Let it burn!” Whizzer cheers. “Marshmallows are the best when they’re all burnt and flaky outside but warm and gooey on the inside.”

Cordelia stares at him. “No, you weirdo, you’re supposed to make it golden and just a tad toasty.”

Marvin takes his stick out of the fire, ready to figure out how the hell this s’more thing is supposed to work, but gets distracted with the itching of his legs, giving Thor the perfect opportunity to snatch his marshmallow. “Hey!”

Everyone laughs at him- it's a favorite pastime- but Whizzer gives him a weird look as he slaps his burnt marshmallow onto a graham cracker. “Did you get bit by something? You keep scratching.”

“I don’t know...I used your bug spray so I’ll happily sue if I did.”

He rolls his eyes but sets aside his half-made s’more and gestures for Marvin to bring his legs up. “Roll up your pants.”

He obeys, tucking his pant legs up before settling them in his fiance’s lap. Whizzer shines his flashlight at him and groans. “Oh my God.”

“What?”

“Charlotte, he’s got a rash.”

“A rash?!” Marvin struggles to sit up and look at it, but Charlotte's already crowding his vision, going into doctor mode immediately and clicking her tongue. “That’s poison ivy.”

“Poison ivy?” Marvin echoes again, staring at the rashes on his legs in shock. Sure enough, the skin is red, swollen, and covered with little blisters. “But I didn’t-” he glares at Whizzer. “This is all your fault.”

“Mine?” He frowns.

“Yes, asshole. You’re the one who made up the ‘hurry up someone’s coming’ joke.”

“Do I really want to know what you mean by that?” Mendel asks.

“Shut up, all of you,” Charlotte commands. “Marvin, get your ass to the showers and clean up. Scrub everywhere, especially your hands and your fingernails. Don’t touch anything. Whizzer, get him clean clothes and a bag to put his dirty clothes in. Go now.”

They listen, what other choice do they have, trudging over to the bathroom to clean up and make up, Marvin quickly acknowledging it isn’t Whizzer’s fault. “I mean,” he says as he dries off, “I was the one who ran through the woods without even knowing what poison ivy looked like.”

“Yeah,” Whizzer agrees, kissing his damp hair. “You’re kind of an idiot, Marv.”

When they return Charlotte's already cleaned up, getting rid of his chair and his cooking stick and anything else he might have touched, briskly handing him a bottle. “Cortisone cream. It should help with the itching.”

“Thank you, Charlotte,” Marvin quips sweetly. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“Yeah I know I am. You dumbass, we told you to stay on the trail.”

“What can I say? It was an emergency.”

She just rolls her eyes and criticizes him under her breath, while Cordelia, as always, treats him with better bedside manner. “Here, you boys take our seat, poor Marvin looks like he needs love,” she coos. “And we saved you some s’mores.”

Whizzer grins. “Thanks Delia.” The two of them quickly nestle in the double chair before Charlotte can snatch it away from them; Whizzer goes to work cooking- burning- the marshmallows while Marvin leans into him and smothers cream all over his legs.

“Hey guys!” Mendel calls, emerging from his tent with a guitar. “I brought this old thing along because what is a campout without a good session of camp songs, right? But the funny thing is I don’t know how to play.”

“Why the fuck would you-” Marvin starts, but Jason elbows him to be quiet.

“I can!” Cordelia announces, bouncing up to take the instrument.

“Great! Just...I wouldn’t try to tune it if I were you; I don’t think those strings have been touched in years.”

She laughs. “Don’t worry, camp songs sound way better out of tune.”

*

“Ugh, I can’t believe we’re going back home tomorrow,” Whizzer pouts as the two of them burrows deeper in their blankets.

“Hallelujah praise Jesus amen.”

Whizzer raises an eyebrow. “You don’t believe in Jesus.”

Marvin pulls his blanket up higher. “That’s just how grateful I am.”

He breathes a short laugh. “It hasn’t been that bad, Marvin.”

“Oh, it hasn’t? Let’s see...the tent pitching was a disaster, Mendel acted like a smartass the whole time, we had no bed, Thor is a devil dog, the birds are sadistic bastards, the hike- let’s skip the damn hike, I got fucking poison ivy, and it’s absolutely freezing up here!”

“God, you’re whiny. Are you sure I’m not getting what you have?”

“Char says it’s not the rash that’s contagious it’s the oil. Which I cleaned off and wrapped it in case I missed a spot.”

“Fine.” Whizzer shifts over, resting his head on Marvin’s chest and tangling their legs together. “Happy now?”

“Hmm, getting there,” Marvin smiles and presses kisses to his fiance’s hairline.

“You just need to focus on the good things,” he's saying sleepily, tracing lazy patterns on his chest.

“Like?”

“Well, like the fact that it’s so beautiful and peaceful up here, we got to see some really amazing stars, we got to spend time together- all of us- and there wasn’t one serious fight. That’s unbelievable. And you made Jason really happy taking him here.” He lifts his head to kiss Marvin sweetly. “I’m proud of you.”

“I don’t know why,” Marvin says honestly. “I feel like I’ve made an ass out of myself.”

“Oh don't misunderstand, you totally did, but you tried, you showed interest in what your son wanted.” Whizzer offers a tired but earnest grin. 

“Besides, cold nights mean snuggles so who’s really complaining here, Marv?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! Thank you so much for reading! I've decided I will make this part of a series of modern canon-compliant short stories and one-shots; if you have any ideas you'd like me to explore, my tumblr is publishthewholeofthis  
> PS, teach me how to use tumblr while you're at it, to be honest XD


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